Billy's Gone

I feel empty.

I wonder if I should have gone for dinner.

I saw him breathing heavily before I left. I was sitting beside his cage. The towel still around my wet hair. The family called me for dinner. I knew he wasn't going to last long. Call it a premonition? But I went for dinner. I couldn't cheat death anyway.

When I came back, he was still in the same position. Hidden under tissues. I can't remember if he was breathing anymore, maybe I couldn't see under the tissue.

But now he isn't. I stuck a carrot at his nose. My sister touched him. I stared blankly. Understanding. There was a lack of movement. None of his heavy breathing. I felt him, so skinny at his death. Skin and bones. He had been having a lot of diarrhoea lately. But I didn't want him to see the vet, all the prodding would have made him more unhappy.

I remember my dad taking him out again today
against my wishes
He climbed up the Daiso, they said.
I was in the hall.
He had been falling every time
so it was a success
they let him run on the floor
he fell
twice
it hurt
to see
so we would always
put him back against his wishes
but into his foodbowl
where his hamster senses would get
the better of him
and his hunger urge would take over.

I miss him.
My camel
who thought he could go without water
for weeks
and we had to
stuff him with apples
so he would have water.
My hamster who would
walk on two legs around the tank
respond to his name
before he became deaf
walk down my hand
like it was a tightrope
and no other hamsters dared to
cos he was the bravest.
He was the smartest
too
knew his way
around both our houses
and Miak's too
He was so nosy
loved to visit the others
and when they didnt wake up
he'd climb on top
to disturb them.
How he'd rattle his bottle
everytime he wanted out.
Perching on his Daiso cube
immediately after
in hopes of
walking around the house.
And how sometimes I would just
take out his bottle
and then he wouldn't be able to rattle
instead just pout in a corner.
Now I wonder about the times I missed out
although I did spend the most time with him.
He was my dearest.
Like no other.
No one can replace him.
The licker of hands.
The one who would come around and smell us humans
before happily trotting off again.
How he loved freedom.
How little he got near his death.
He couldn't control his bowels
My mom screamed that we couldn't let him out.
He ended up spending his last month or so at home.
How he must have hated that.
And how weak he got.
The bottle of pills which bashed him. I shortened his life. The fridge. The pills. My dad's pills.

Goodbye Billy.
You were always my Silly.

I will miss you. I already do.

I've been preparing to lose you for so long. Yet it still hurts so much when you're gone.

):

And I really only have two good shots of him, although he is, was, and always will be my favourite.