):

my baby just died.

cappu just died

he died in my hands
he couldnt breathe
gasped for air

cant type through my tears
now i cant breathe either
dizzy
cant breathe
cappu my baby
why did you die

why do i ask such silly questions?

its all my fault
thats why i cant stop crying
this sadness
that my baby's gone
that the last of my original hamsters is gone
only little one from lily is left

cappu ): WHY CAPPU WHY

i came home last night
washed his cage at 2am
i was so tired.
but so scared
when i saw the fungus
i scrubbed away

today

i watched him flopping around
he didnt eat the raisin i gave him
kept lying on his side
breathing
so heavily
so heavily

after staring at him
i decided to take him out
he didnt want to be held

put him back
he was breathing
so heavily
still

took him out and rubbed him to sleep
his heartbeat
it was so fast
it scared me

his whole body shook my hands
my hands
they thumped
like i was holding
a live beating heart

he was sleeping
i held him

i thought i would just sleep
holding him

i whispered to him
cappu dont die
live till tomorrow
i'll bring you to the vet

i said it
again
and again

trying to give him
some will to live

finally
he woke up
and i put him back

but he tried to get out
failed
struggled across the changed bedding
sprawled
lay on his side

struggled up and across
to the tissue
fell out of the cage
i tried to take him

he struggled
almost like a seizure
one of his frequent seizures
he tried to walk
flipped onto his side
couldnt get back up
a few times it happened

i held him
his breathing
suddenly slowed

i remember
my keening whine
cappu's dying
don't die, cappu
cappu, don't die
cappu's dying

i placed him on my hand
his breaths
faded
till he gasped
like
a fish
on land

those last breaths
as i cried for him to breathe

but he didnt, in the end


he still looks as young
as he did
like my baby
he was my baby
my little baby

it hurts
my heart clenches
i always thought
it'd be easier to part from cappu than billy

but i was wrong
i was fortunate to have one week to get ready for billy's passing
cappu's came
as a shock

a complete shock

my little baby
i thought he would live till 3
i think he could have

if only i was at home
if only i didn't move him to the kitchen
if only i had checked his bedding
if only

if only i hadn't been out with matthew

so many
if onlys

maybe if i didnt take him out of his cage
he would have been alive this morning
and able to visit the vet

i don't know







rest in peace my little pupu