):

my baby just died.

cappu just died

he died in my hands
he couldnt breathe
gasped for air

cant type through my tears
now i cant breathe either
dizzy
cant breathe
cappu my baby
why did you die

why do i ask such silly questions?

its all my fault
thats why i cant stop crying
this sadness
that my baby's gone
that the last of my original hamsters is gone
only little one from lily is left

cappu ): WHY CAPPU WHY

i came home last night
washed his cage at 2am
i was so tired.
but so scared
when i saw the fungus
i scrubbed away

today

i watched him flopping around
he didnt eat the raisin i gave him
kept lying on his side
breathing
so heavily
so heavily

after staring at him
i decided to take him out
he didnt want to be held

put him back
he was breathing
so heavily
still

took him out and rubbed him to sleep
his heartbeat
it was so fast
it scared me

his whole body shook my hands
my hands
they thumped
like i was holding
a live beating heart

he was sleeping
i held him

i thought i would just sleep
holding him

i whispered to him
cappu dont die
live till tomorrow
i'll bring you to the vet

i said it
again
and again

trying to give him
some will to live

finally
he woke up
and i put him back

but he tried to get out
failed
struggled across the changed bedding
sprawled
lay on his side

struggled up and across
to the tissue
fell out of the cage
i tried to take him

he struggled
almost like a seizure
one of his frequent seizures
he tried to walk
flipped onto his side
couldnt get back up
a few times it happened

i held him
his breathing
suddenly slowed

i remember
my keening whine
cappu's dying
don't die, cappu
cappu, don't die
cappu's dying

i placed him on my hand
his breaths
faded
till he gasped
like
a fish
on land

those last breaths
as i cried for him to breathe

but he didnt, in the end


he still looks as young
as he did
like my baby
he was my baby
my little baby

it hurts
my heart clenches
i always thought
it'd be easier to part from cappu than billy

but i was wrong
i was fortunate to have one week to get ready for billy's passing
cappu's came
as a shock

a complete shock

my little baby
i thought he would live till 3
i think he could have

if only i was at home
if only i didn't move him to the kitchen
if only i had checked his bedding
if only

if only i hadn't been out with matthew

so many
if onlys

maybe if i didnt take him out of his cage
he would have been alive this morning
and able to visit the vet

i don't know







rest in peace my little pupu

No Longer

Today, I realised my profile wrote: proud owner of five hamsters... etc.

Then I removed Billy and Fatter from the list. And I realised I took away 'proud'.

Now its just:
Owner of three skinny syrian hamsters: one who has seizures, one who bit her very hard, and a hairy baby unrelated to the two brothers.

I'm no longer a proud owner of hamsters. I don't have a real bond with any of them... it's always been Billy only.

Cappu is always sleeping - and we don't have mutual trust. I fear him chomping me when he starts sniffing me intensely with his nose pressed to my skin like a vacuum cleaner sucks up dirt. His eyes start bulging and look crazed when he becomes a vacuum cleaner, which doesn't help either. And fears me too, runs (literally) and hides in his bedding when he sees humans coming, most of the time.

Cow bit me so hard, stuff that shouldn't have came out was coming out, end of story.

Little one is just an outsider still. He'll never be part of the family - the parents (both gone) or the children (two left).

I guess I'll have to try.

Fatter Lumpuru's in Hamster Heaven

Rest in peace, dear fatter. My sister cried for you which means that she finally loved, although she lost too. But we're glad you're free from suffering though you've been taken from us so suddenly. We miss you a lot already. We hope you didn't suffer much.

There are some things I noted today... There's a photo which parallels the Fatter Mommy RIP photo below... I'm wearing the same shirt I wore to Ah Gong's funeral... It was raining when we buried Fatter... There are many what-ifs I kept thinking that would have kept Fatter alive, but I've finally woken up to my senses instead of being in denial and checking the Internet furiously for proof she was alive. I even thought of hibernation, for her body was limp. But I guess my brain kept ticking out the fact that Singapore is too warm for hibernation. I still wonder if we buried her alive. I guess I'll get over that soon. I'd also like to note that when I cried out to my mother, why did fatter die, she's the youngest, my mother just walked away. She was also smiling as she tried to take a photo of my sister crying at the burial. Sometimes I wonder if we're blood-tied. Or if when I died she would cry, like how I accused her of not crying at Ah Gong's death.

But anyway, enough about my ranting. Although I should be studying, here's a bunch of photos to remember Fatter by. I didn't take many, and you seem to be suffering at the hands of the chubby, but oh well.











This photo above, scarily, has some parallels with the one I uploaded when Fatter Mommy had gone missing.























goodbye fatter, we miss you...

):

Things are not looking good...

Fatter is losing her balance more often, and Cappu seizured twice today. His second came with lots of screeching and he was much too tired and kept sleeping on my hand before eventually going back to his cage.

I hope they get better, otherwise I'll stay back and look after them before going for the exam tomorrow, instead of the plan to study with Miak from the morning.

*pray they get better*

Get Well

Soon Fatter Baby.

May your tumour shrink and you be walking strong and healthy again!

Stuff Dreams Are Made Of

Take a bagel of choice (mine's whole wheat)



Slice into half



Spread on cheese.. lay it thick! But don't play with your food.



Place thick slices of smoked salmon



Please have a bite of me!



Temporary resident fat hamster Isaac Junior thinks its good



Very very good...

Cappuccino

Little sweetie Cappu got a home upgrade today!

He's now living in a silver Habitrail with a little castle inside and he loves it! - the castle, not the cage.

Hope he likes his new home (:

Again

Boy, am I glad to see that Cappuccino has stopped having seizures! (:

Now I will just count down the days till his next visit to the vet.

3 more days.

Again

At first, I thought Cappuccino is feeling better, but just a few hours back he was convulsing. Twice. His little body was racking with spasms and was flung around his tank like a puppet on a string. Took him out, he was rather dazed and scared, and his mouth was foaming, just like previously.

Makes me wonder what exactly is it which makes him like that. He seemed to calm down after I cradled him and patted his head. But the second time, his body started jerking and his eyes started closing and I got worried that a heart attack was being witnessed. Hopefully its just a case of hiccups and ants biting him rather than a serious disease.

Pondering if I should go for the economics and japanese tutorial later, sure wouldn't want something to go wrong without being by Cappuccino's side.

Cappuccino's good

Cappuccino woke up after his operation and I was almost weak with relief to get the call.

He's surprisingly energetic now (>24 hours after op) and jumps over his food bowl for exercise as his wheel is removed till full recovery occurs. That action reminds me of counting sheep...

Naughty boy tore out his stitches after the op and had to be sedated again for stitching round 2... and now he has a big bandage around his body like a waisted-belt. I am still filled with joy to see him alive, whether or not he resembles a sausage with wrapping (:

Bought him bandage and some vegetables for nutrition... and tried to change his bandage just a while back. However the wound must be hurting some, as when I tried to see where the wrap ended, he looked like he was going to take a chomp on my finger. Not a good idea as that finger had been chomped before by his brother.

Shall wait till someone is back before I undertake the task again.

Cappu

Baby Cappuccino's lump has made a sudden turn for worse.

Fed him medicine when I reached home, and realised the fur covering his lump has disappeared, and the lump is now an ugly patchy green and brown. It has made me extremely worried that it is an abscess near bursting point... as if it should burst, the toxic pus would kill a hamster if it licked the pus off while cleaning.

Am keeping a lookout on him with his tank within sight so if anything should happen I can soak up the pus immediately. Very worried ):

The nice receptionist at Joyous Vet has managed to get a surgery slot for me tomorrow although the next available slot was on 4th September.

I can only hope and pray now that the lump will not burst, and that the surgery will be successful and Cappuccino will lead a healthy life after that.

Silly Billy

It pains me greatly to see him moving around, leaning on one hand, the other hurting to much to put pressure on.

He climbs up his little blue cube gingerly using his legs to push his way up instead of leaping up the way he used to.

Even when he stands up, he doesn't swim in the air as much, and when he looks out of the cage, he uses his good hand for support.

He can't walk normally with one finger gone ):

He doesn't dare to walk down my arm, as he can't balance well enough now.

He doesn't recognise his name anymore.

I call him, no response. I lift up the cage lid, no response. Only when I lean above him and he feels my shadow, he looks up.

Has he gone deaf, I wonder.

I cry to see him but a shadow of what he used to be.

):

My Babies

I finally got to see my boys again! (:

I missed them all so much, especially my Silly Billy.

Anyway, I was told that Cappucino was attacked by Billy when he escaped into Cappu's tank, but I forgot to tell Miak in the email that Billy probably got bit by Cappu too!

The same as the incident with Hunny Bunny, no one cared about poor Billy... Cappu's wounds have scabbed over, but I picked up Billy to find that he was missing a finger and in its place was a bloody stub with fungus growing over it!!! )))))):

Heartbreak. Poor Billy... I think that after being the king of the castle at home, not being played with or loved made him a totally different hamster ): He doesn't respond to his name anymore, and he can't even recognise my hand's scent. Depressing... I shall have to play with him more again. Well at least he's alive.

Cappucino on the other hand is becoming more active which is good, probably due to lots of interaction at Miak's house. However he's losing weight unlike my other 2, hope he'll gain it back soon (:

Cowboy

Cowboy, originally uploaded by chereamour.

He used to be my second favourite next to Silly Billy.

I used to hate how everyone at home called him the ugliest hamster of all the five!

Well look at him now, in the prime of his hamsterhood, and looking adorable while he munches some pear.

Being cute doesn't help now.

Too bad cow, you shouldn't have bit me!

Fatter Mommy, Not Again

Why does it seem like Fatter Mommy is a big part of my life?

Today morning I was dozing on my bed when my sister came in with (you guessed it) Fatter Mommy to say Good Morning to me.

And since Fatter Mommy couldn't speak, she did the next best thing, communicating through touch.

I felt a great impact and heard a loud thud, as Fatter Mommy launched herself off my sister's outstretched hands and onto... my bed!

Causing me to jump right out of my bed (since I couldn't jump out of my skin). You could say Fatter Mommy makes a great alarm clock.

I am currently traumatised as to the state of my bedsheets as Fatter Mommy sleeps (and rolls around) on her pee-soaked tissue.